Yes, Sad but True. I just don't know what else to do right now.
My health has taken an odd turn...it really started back in September 2008.

I wrote of the crazy wind storm we had that knocked our power out for over a week. What I failed to mention to everyone was that when the power was restored it brought with it some odd headaches for me that only occurred on one side of my head primarily behind my eye. They caused Excruciating pain like something was stabbing me in the eye (and lots of other "fun" symptoms too, but I'll get to that in a little bit). I couldn't tolerate lights or noises. And not just loud noises, but too many noises at once would send me over the edge because my mind couldn't seem to separate the chaos of it all. It was just crazy and painful and I was a mess! The headaches seemed to come and go at random. I never knew when. There was no warning signs they just were all of a sudden and they went on and on and about the time I thought I was gonna die from it, they would just disappear, leaving me exhausted and spent.
This went on for several months and brought several other symptoms. They started to come more often, the pain got stronger, they lasted longer, as soon as the pain in my head would start my nose would start bleeding, my eye would tear up on the side that hurt, as the months went on, the bleeding of my nose got less and less and soon the blood was more like a pink tinted mucus yuck and finally it was just clear and looked like my nose was running, then I started passing out from time to time. One minute I'm standing in the kitchen talking to my husband about something, the next my headache starts and I'm unconscious on the kitchen floor. Luckily, that only happened a few times and I was only out a minute or two each time. By this time, I wasn't sleeping at night night, maybe 2 hours at a time if I was lucky. My head was hurting all the time and waking me up all night long. I could hardly stand to be around anyone and spent most of my time alone hidden in a quiet dark room dealing with the pain.

Finally, the pain was so much I had to see a Dr. We were pretty sure it was a tumor or maybe an aneurysm at this point. Of course, I was hoping it was by now just so it could all be over soon. My body was tired but my mind was Exhausted! Well, when the Dr. was done examining me and looking at his results and everything he said I had Cluster Headaches.
Well, that's a relief! A quick, sure diagnosis. He seemed confident in his decision. Plus, a name like Cluster Headache isn't very scary. It's not like Black Plague or Necrotising Fasciitis or even Cancer. Surely I can beat something that ends in "headache".
Oh, how wrong I was...don't let the name fool you folks. This is no headache. And, it can't be beat. It can be treated. I will have pain pills to deal with the pain and there are an array of other medications I am going through while my Dr. tries to find the right combination for me to get the headaches under control. From everything we have learned up to this point, my condition will never be cured. My best hope is to find the medication that will allow me to control it so that my life can finally be my own again.
Now, I bet you're wondering what one of these so called "headaches" feels like. Well, let me explain this to you as best as I can. And keep in mind, my husband has had to go through these with me on a daily basis because my case is classified as a "chronic" case which means I have them every single day and will continue to do so until they find a medication that works for me. My children have been in the room with me while I was going through them so that they too can be made aware of what I am dealing with everyday...So, they start like this...
Out of nowhere, the initial pain strikes me, it's a stabbing sensation behind my eye. Like someone is trying to remove my eyeball from the inside out with a sharp knife. There is also a great amount of pressure and my instincts are to grab at my eye. Part of this is from the pain and part of this is for the fact that the pressure is making my eye feel like it is going to fall out of my head.
The next sensation I am aware of is the fire moving across my face and up my skull. Across my cheek it begins as a tingling sensation. Kind of like a severe case of something falling asleep mixed with a nasty sunburn. By the time it reaches my forehead, it feels more like it's catching fire and the burning starts picking up speed as it touches my head and runs down to the back of my neck. It seems to be under my hair and scalp and all I want to do is scratch at my head to make the burn stop.
As the tingling reaches across my cheek and touches my ear, it starts to ring. The sound is a hideously loud sound that drowns out every other noise.
Which is fine because by this time, nothing else matters to me anyway. The world could be ending and I would be oblivious to the whole thing. However, the crappy part is, when the headache and all this pain starts to ease back at the end, this ringing noise tends to linger on for a little while and make my ear throb for a bit after.
While all this is going on, my nose is running constantly which is pretty yucky all by itself and my eye on which ever side of my head is hurting at the time is watering all over the place too. And about this eye watering thing, most cluster headache sufferers have their pain on one side of their head, but me, I am SO Special, my headache can jump from side to side, yeah for me. One attack, the left side is under fire, the next attack it might be my right. I have to wait and see which eye waters first or where the pain strikes first to find out.
Oh right, I forgot the best part of this whole process,
Well, my attacks start at any old time of day. There are no warning signs. No times or patterns we've been able to figure out just yet other than mine tend to be stronger in the mornings and daytime and get shorter in the evenings. They last anywhere from 15 minutes to an hour long each. When one ends another Can and usually Does start within a minute or so and often times another one after that, which is why they are called Cluster headaches. This process tends to drag on for a few hours depending on how long each one lasts. When I'm finally done and feeling well enough to get up and move around I tend to have a few more "aftershocks" as we like to refer to them here, through out the day. These are isolated incidents of a 15-30 minute cluster attack. And yes, I go through this every single day.

It truly has changed my life and my family's life. I stay home all the time. I never leave my house for long periods of time if I can help it. And if I have to go somewhere, I try to plan it in the evening hours when my odds are better that if I did have an attack it would be a shorter one. I always carry pain pills with me and try not to go to stores I can't get in and out of quickly. Better to have an attack in the privacy of my vehicle than in the isle of Wal-mart or something. Imagine trying to explain that to a store manager, lol.
My headaches can be triggered too. They aren't just random acts. We have discovered that there are sounds and smells that cause me to go into cluster attacks. Yeah, imagine that?
Our first discovery was the ice machine on our refrigerator. Every time someone used the thing I was racing through the house looking for a safe place to land for my attack. It took a while for us to figure it out but when I did I banned the use of it. It seems there is some sound the motor makes that triggers me, so now James keeps a bucket of ice in the freezer for us and when it needs refilling I find a nice safe place to be so he can do it.
Another trigger we found is when I am in the middle of an attack, I have to make sure whatever room I'm in, the windows are closed because thunder can prolong my attacks and so can the sound of a lawn mower. I know, it sounds strange. But there's something in the deep rumbling noises...
It was not a pretty sight when I discovered that. Now, a lawn mower does not cause me to have a cluster headache, but if one starts, it causes me to stay in my attack. Like, when it would normally ease back and the pain would start to go away, there is a tone in a lawn mower motor and the rumble of thunder that makes the cluster headache stay and continue to cause me pain. It's the craziest thing but the Dr. said it's quite normal and the key for me is to find my triggers and stay away from them. Ya think? Clever guy that one.

The craziest trigger yet happened just the other day. It was that time again. Yep, time to wash those grays right out of my hair. I used my usual color, chocolate brown, only thing that hides my natural auburn (yuck, hate my red hair!) anyway, I colored my hair and then jumped in the shower and used the after color conditioner and when I was all done I went into the kitchen to do a little cleaning while my hair dried. Well, it only took a few minutes and I was feeling pretty crappy. I went in to lay down. After a couple minutes, my first cluster started. When it was over I was exhausted, something was wrong and I knew it right away. In just a couple minutes the next one started and after that the next and the next and the next...I'm not even sure how many I made it through before I finally fell asleep. I woke up to another couple and then James came in to check on me and I started another one. I told him right away something was wrong and I was being triggered by something and I thought it was something I had done in the kitchen cause that's where I was when it started. He stayed with me, going through everything he could think of, all the while he was rubbing my back and stoking my hair and that was when he realized that although most of my hair was dry, in the very back there was some dampness near the scalp and he asked about my hair color...it finally dawned on me I wasn't smelling the hair color, I was smelling the conditioner. I barely made it through the shower to get the stuff out of my hair but once I did I started feeling so much better and the attacks stopped right away. That night I went to bed and all at once I started feeling like crap again, and realized I was smelling the stuff on my pillow so I told my husband to get rid of it for me and we could wash it in the morning or something and loving, tired creature that he was, he tossed it in the corner...I didn't realize it but I wasn't able to sleep all night. Couldn't get comfortable and ended up getting about 2 hours sleep. The next morning I found the pillow in the corner and I could have choked him! Big Bugger!

My kids are adjusting well. They know when I'm having bad days they have to be on their best behavior. They try to help out more and they know when I need them to be extra quiet or just let me have my dark places for a bit. They don't get hurt when I can't go to their school functions and they enjoy it when James records them for me and they watch them with me. It's hard for me to know I'm missing so much but I have faith that one day soon I'm gonna have the right meds to help me control this enough that I'll have enough of my life back that this won't be my problem anymore. Hope is all there is right now.
I don't sew much anymore but I feel the urge to get back into my sewing room more and more every day. My girl Kate is really hoping I'll teach her how to sew dolls and that's gonna be my push I think to really help me.
Well, I just wanted to let everyone out there know what I've been dealing with here. And although I'm leaving blog land here. I doubt I'll be able to stay away forever. Don't worry for me. I'm going to be fine. When this thing is under control I'll be back to let y'all know! And I'm sure I'll have lots of pictures of my family and what we've been doing too!
Until Then...